Today I want to start my humble voyage in discovering self-awareness. My findings may have been lost from the time I entered Oxford College until now and I’m starting to realize that not being self-aware does impact the way I feel around others in social situations, in class, and who I am when I’m alone. It’s important to me to be content and unconditionally peaceful when I’m by myself and when I’m around others. It’s become a pursuit, but hopefully not a greedy pursuit. 

I want this for myself because I can be a better person for those I care about. I know it sounds like I’m am servicing my mind for the benefit of others, but when I’m peaceful, others around me feel peaceful (at least I hope) without even a word. It’s an internal struggle I’ve conceptualized throughout these years and even more so heightened since last year. I would like to take an honest look at myself and truly see my nature and so from today onward, I’d like to slow down and encourage others to do the same and hopefully find a peace within themselves and bring it to those around them.

xo,

Steph

vipassana meditation thoughts honesty

Today I replaced my Emory ID which means taking a new photo for the card. Goodbye to innocent high school years :3

5/28/14

Today is my mom’s birthday!! I can’t believe that I forgot again :(!! This is the second year I’ve forgotten :’( Sorry Mom. It doesn’t mean I don’t care I promise! 

This also marks the 3rd time in 9 days that I’ve lost my Emory ID card. I don’t know what’s happening this past couple of days but I don’t know why I keep losing it? Is it because it’s so small and thin and I just overlook it and it falls somewhere? Well I wouldn’t know! I never seem to lose my chapstick though even thought it’s just as important and tiny as my card.

xxo

Steph

Today concludes the first full week of summer school at Emory. I almost want to say that this week has been a great week and I absolutely appreciate my roommates. It’s nice that we all respect each others’ space and we each do our part in making the apartment as clean and as in order as possible. We’re all really quiet too and we like our own space. I think finding nice roommates to live with is such a gift and really hard to come across. I feel like I’m finally finding a peace of mind again at home :)

This weekend is Memorial weekend and I would like to find some time to slow things down. I’ll swim in the morning, then study with Bharat, and then probably look for my Emory card which I’ve lost twice this week by Wednesday. I’ll try my best to meditate properly and intelligently and I’ll make a phone call to grandma at home. I’m also getting a mani tomorrow but I’ll cut my nails before going there because they never cut it short enough :p 

Well, time to study! I’m really enjoying this environment :) I haven’t studied in a home-like room in such a long time. I think it’s because for once it doesn’t feel so crowded here even though there are 4 people. 

xxo

Steph

Probably the only time I’m ever home during the day

Probably the only time I’m ever home during the day

Being strong isn’t the ability to react to an unpleasant situation and having the ability to hurt someone with words. Rather, it is the ability to understand others such that their actions don’t affect you because you are internally happy and you have the wisdom to see through others’ intentions. I honestly feel like the happiest people are the strongest people, and the angriest people are those that fear the most. 

thoughts food for thought anger happiness strength strong everyday life lifelessons life choices

I’m so glad I talked to my mom 3 nights ago, finally got a twitter 2 nights ago, and talked to Charlie this morning. After talking to my mom about issues I’ve been having or feelings that have weighed so heavily—I judge myself so hard sometimes— I realized that there are things that one can do that won’t hurt you or other people. Those words lifted me so much, giving me so much leverage, and just a sense of freedom I hadn’t felt in so long since Charlie left and I feel like I can finally be myself again while maintaining good relationships with others and trying to be a source of comfort for others as well. I struggled so much with my identity this past semester (NOT my sexuality, thank you very much to those who thought I was a lesbian because I support gay pride—haven’t you been to San Francisco??) 

I think when Charlie left, I invested too much energy in trying to make myself happy again or fill up this hole in my heart that I started become greedy and selfish. That’s one of the hardest things about a breakup, which is to not want so much as to be so delusional to desire but so not want so little as to become apathetic. It takes a little adversity to become apathetic. If you don’t believe me, watch HOW you become apathetic. The steps it takes to not care—it’s because you disliked something so much that you gave up. Where’s the compassion?? One of the hardest lessons to take from this is to find the happy medium. How can you be happy without the ones you care about the most?

That’s when my mom came in. She didn’t directly tell me what to do. Of course I lead her down a pathway to my thoughts because knowing  myself, I wouldn’t tell my mom every little detail of my thoughts if I knew i wasn’t going to judge myself ever so harshly afterwards for even thinking those things. The words she used were “if it is not good for you or others, then don’t harm others [or yourself… duh].” Of course this is such a trivial thing! One of the first things i learned in pre-K of course. Maybe it was the intonation of her voice, or how it vibrated through my ears— or maybe it was that I was taking time away from her studying this exam for physicians or what not— but it just clicked right then, and I remembered Sharon again, and the experience we had at Tathagata Meditation Center. The way meditation just washed the detriments and worries from our bodies— no, not heads… bodies. 

It’s through those words from then now, I began to see people differently… perhaps not differently, but I returned to my normal state of seeing people and understanding people. I found myself less angry and perhaps less judgmental of myself and thus others. But our minds are such temporary states! It is most difficult to preserve the peace we must have. But it is this grasping that leads us to destruction and the desire to what so much, to grasp so much, and thus to fear so much of a loss we perceive as treasurable, perhaps once unattainable. I ask that for those reading this, rather than pursuing of happiness, which I was doing this past couple of months lamenting on my unhappiness, perhaps search for the compassion and honestly within yourself first. Find where happiness becomes unconditional. Maybe understand yourself enough and center yourself. Not only will your honestly allow you to find compassion, but it’ll guide you to self-confidence and thus less doubt. 

xxo

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