Probably the only time I’m ever home during the day

Probably the only time I’m ever home during the day

Being strong isn’t the ability to react to an unpleasant situation and having the ability to hurt someone with words. Rather, it is the ability to understand others such that their actions don’t affect you because you are internally happy and you have the wisdom to see through others’ intentions. I honestly feel like the happiest people are the strongest people, and the angriest people are those that fear the most. 

I’m so glad I talked to my mom 3 nights ago, finally got a twitter 2 nights ago, and talked to Charlie this morning. After talking to my mom about issues I’ve been having or feelings that have weighed so heavily—I judge myself so hard sometimes— I realized that there are things that one can do that won’t hurt you or other people. Those words lifted me so much, giving me so much leverage, and just a sense of freedom I hadn’t felt in so long since Charlie left and I feel like I can finally be myself again while maintaining good relationships with others and trying to be a source of comfort for others as well. I struggled so much with my identity this past semester (NOT my sexuality, thank you very much to those who thought I was a lesbian because I support gay pride—haven’t you been to San Francisco??) 

I think when Charlie left, I invested too much energy in trying to make myself happy again or fill up this hole in my heart that I started become greedy and selfish. That’s one of the hardest things about a breakup, which is to not want so much as to be so delusional to desire but so not want so little as to become apathetic. It takes a little adversity to become apathetic. If you don’t believe me, watch HOW you become apathetic. The steps it takes to not care—it’s because you disliked something so much that you gave up. Where’s the compassion?? One of the hardest lessons to take from this is to find the happy medium. How can you be happy without the ones you care about the most?

That’s when my mom came in. She didn’t directly tell me what to do. Of course I lead her down a pathway to my thoughts because knowing  myself, I wouldn’t tell my mom every little detail of my thoughts if I knew i wasn’t going to judge myself ever so harshly afterwards for even thinking those things. The words she used were “if it is not good for you or others, then don’t harm others [or yourself… duh].” Of course this is such a trivial thing! One of the first things i learned in pre-K of course. Maybe it was the intonation of her voice, or how it vibrated through my ears— or maybe it was that I was taking time away from her studying this exam for physicians or what not— but it just clicked right then, and I remembered Sharon again, and the experience we had at Tathagata Meditation Center. The way meditation just washed the detriments and worries from our bodies— no, not heads… bodies. 

It’s through those words from then now, I began to see people differently… perhaps not differently, but I returned to my normal state of seeing people and understanding people. I found myself less angry and perhaps less judgmental of myself and thus others. But our minds are such temporary states! It is most difficult to preserve the peace we must have. But it is this grasping that leads us to destruction and the desire to what so much, to grasp so much, and thus to fear so much of a loss we perceive as treasurable, perhaps once unattainable. I ask that for those reading this, rather than pursuing of happiness, which I was doing this past couple of months lamenting on my unhappiness, perhaps search for the compassion and honestly within yourself first. Find where happiness becomes unconditional. Maybe understand yourself enough and center yourself. Not only will your honestly allow you to find compassion, but it’ll guide you to self-confidence and thus less doubt. 

xxo

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2/23 1:44am

After talking to my mom on the phone, I am reminded of what I said Freshman year when I said “I didn’t have best friends.” She gently reminded me that I did not like anyone too much and I did not dislike anyone too much (or even at all) and there was not any notion of “grasping” or fear that I may lose something so dear and close to me. I am kindly reminded of this thought—and feeling perhaps— of what it feels like to not be afraid such that you end up not having attachments to people. What a great feeling that is to let go… and be peaceful with yourself so you can be peaceful to others :)

Forever grateful for my experience 4 years ago. May you be well, happy, and peaceful :)

I would like to have time and space to be simple for 2 weeks. I only ask for 2 weeks! What I mean by simple is to live in isolation but I know that’s impossible. i’m not anti-social I swear but I just need my space to be alone and to collect my thoughts in a healthy manner.  #soundingsoantisocialrightnow #sorry #ImJustTired 

hella-extraordinary:

When you see a spider by your foot:

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When water gets into your ear:

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When your mom tells you to take out the trash:

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When your hair gets in front of your face:

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When you’re too tired to walk up the stairs:

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???:

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(via afifah)

This winter break I’m really excited to do meditation camp with my really good friend Sharon :) We bonded over meditation last summer and it was the best thing that happened to her too. There were things that we talked a lot about and her problems were similar to mine so I took her to meditation camp so she would find her answers.

And she did. Which was gratifying to know that she could have a greater sense of internal locus of control through concentration and peace of mind.

She visited me by surprise this Thanksgiving break, which was one of the most relieving moments I had in a long time. I think we both needed to see each other, because we grew spiritually that summer, and we both found a way to relieve stress and discover ourselves in ways our superficial lifestyle couldn’t give to us. 

I realized more and more that Buddhism is my strength and my weakness. It teaches the virtues that I lack but also the virtues make me want to be a better person through gratitude. I don’t know how different my life would be without Buddhism or meditation, and probably for Sharon too.

americanexpress:

Newton’s First Law of Motion: 
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion.
Click here to watch how this doer put Newton’s theory into action as she relied on her love of running to get her through difficult times. Now, she’s sharing the life-lessons she learned from running to help homeless people get back on their feet.
#Inspirational

americanexpress:

Newton’s First Law of Motion: 

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion.

Click here to watch how this doer put Newton’s theory into action as she relied on her love of running to get her through difficult times. Now, she’s sharing the life-lessons she learned from running to help homeless people get back on their feet.

#Inspirational

(via frenchcreole)

buttlid:

rasputin:

Portuguese designer Susana Soares has developed a device for detecting cancer and other serious diseases using trained bees. The bees are placed in a glass chamber into which the patient exhales; the bees fly into a smaller secondary chamber if they detect cancer. 

Scientists have found that honey bees - Apis mellifera - have an extraordinary sense of smell that is more acute than that of a sniffer dog and can detect airborne molecules in the parts-per-trillion range. 

Bees can be trained to detect specific chemical odours, including the biomarkers associated with diseases such as tuberculosis, lung, skin and pancreatic cancer.

 

(via frenchcreole)