I’m so glad I talked to my mom 3 nights ago, finally got a twitter 2 nights ago, and talked to Charlie this morning. After talking to my mom about issues I’ve been having or feelings that have weighed so heavily—I judge myself so hard sometimes— I realized that there are things that one can do that won’t hurt you or other people. Those words lifted me so much, giving me so much leverage, and just a sense of freedom I hadn’t felt in so long since Charlie left and I feel like I can finally be myself again while maintaining good relationships with others and trying to be a source of comfort for others as well. I struggled so much with my identity this past semester (NOT my sexuality, thank you very much to those who thought I was a lesbian because I support gay pride—haven’t you been to San Francisco??)
I think when Charlie left, I invested too much energy in trying to make myself happy again or fill up this hole in my heart that I started become greedy and selfish. That’s one of the hardest things about a breakup, which is to not want so much as to be so delusional to desire but so not want so little as to become apathetic. It takes a little adversity to become apathetic. If you don’t believe me, watch HOW you become apathetic. The steps it takes to not care—it’s because you disliked something so much that you gave up. Where’s the compassion?? One of the hardest lessons to take from this is to find the happy medium. How can you be happy without the ones you care about the most?
That’s when my mom came in. She didn’t directly tell me what to do. Of course I lead her down a pathway to my thoughts because knowing myself, I wouldn’t tell my mom every little detail of my thoughts if I knew i wasn’t going to judge myself ever so harshly afterwards for even thinking those things. The words she used were “if it is not good for you or others, then don’t harm others [or yourself… duh].” Of course this is such a trivial thing! One of the first things i learned in pre-K of course. Maybe it was the intonation of her voice, or how it vibrated through my ears— or maybe it was that I was taking time away from her studying this exam for physicians or what not— but it just clicked right then, and I remembered Sharon again, and the experience we had at Tathagata Meditation Center. The way meditation just washed the detriments and worries from our bodies— no, not heads… bodies.
It’s through those words from then now, I began to see people differently… perhaps not differently, but I returned to my normal state of seeing people and understanding people. I found myself less angry and perhaps less judgmental of myself and thus others. But our minds are such temporary states! It is most difficult to preserve the peace we must have. But it is this grasping that leads us to destruction and the desire to what so much, to grasp so much, and thus to fear so much of a loss we perceive as treasurable, perhaps once unattainable. I ask that for those reading this, rather than pursuing of happiness, which I was doing this past couple of months lamenting on my unhappiness, perhaps search for the compassion and honestly within yourself first. Find where happiness becomes unconditional. Maybe understand yourself enough and center yourself. Not only will your honestly allow you to find compassion, but it’ll guide you to self-confidence and thus less doubt.